My Struggle With Disdain

I struggle with anger sometimes.

I’m a pastor. I ought to know better. But a man’s heart is a man’s heart, right? I cannot suppose I am able to control it, modify it, or play pretend with it. Only God can change it, and He has. And yet, here I am, struggling...

Struggling with what, you might ask? I mean, Ed, it’s Christmas time. You just got out of your vehicle and was reminded of the thoughtfulness and giving attitude that seems to permeate the season. You were just listening to your favorite radio station and the deejay told the heartwarming story about how a “secret Santa,” who goes by the handle “Santa B,” just spent forty-six thousand dollars paying off all layaway items at a Walmart in Everett, PA, effecting one hundred and ninety-four individual accounts. The store manager who accommodated the transaction is quoted as saying, “During the holiday season, many people will use layaway to pay off Christmas presents over time so they don’t have to buy all of them at once...many of the items that were paid off by Santa B were Christmas presents.”

As you can imagine, such a story travels quickly, absorbing a lot of media attention and inducing many tears in the eyes of its hearers. So what’s my problem, then? Why am I not filled with joy, but rather cynicism, anger even? Why does my heart break when I hear such things? Three years ago, I wrote a blog titled, “What Would Paul Say About Christmas 2015?” It addresses some of my woes. It’s worth a read.

What I’m sharing today goes much deeper than what’s wrong with the Christmas season nowadays, though. It’s an examination of my own heart (and maybe yours, too). It’s the twinge that occurs every time someone asks me to celebrate something that detracts from the glory of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Christmas season folly is a perfect example, but it is merely a symptom.

My very visceral, sometimes overwhelming, struggle is with the nature of mankind. I hate it. I despise it. I suffer waves of utter disdain in my soul over it. It’s a disease, a plague, and, unfortunately, an intrinsic part of everyday life. The weight of it is asphyxiating. I long for a deep breath of fresh air, but when I walk in this world, the air is awfully polluted. No one seems to notice because men are born natural smokers, with lungs conditioned for it.

Am I bleeding a little in front of you? Yes. My heart aches for this world and I get tired of fighting with it. I’m human, too. We pastors aren’t impervious to the effects of this world just because we spend so much time with our noses in the Word. In fact, I’d argue just the opposite is true. Spending so much time immersed in the Bible means that the “lights are always on” (ala Ephesians 5:13) and I see things for what they truly are. This world is ugly, and it celebrates itself every chance it gets, even on holidays that rightfully belong to Jesus Christ.

And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.
On the one hand, my heart desires nothing more than to celebrate the One who laid His precious life down for me. I see all the seasonal paraphernalia with crosses and mangers, I hear the words “silent night” playing on the radio, and my heart leaps for joy. But then I crash into a wall of duplicity. I’m stricken with deep pain when I realize that most of the celebrating isn’t in accord with my own, it’s celebrating folks like “Santa B” in PA and the folks who apparently spend more than they have in order to satisfy a sinful desire to placate the social pressures of American entitlement.

I’m not going to lie. Some days I feel like throwing in the towel in a fit of disgust - my struggle with disdain for humanity exceeding my self-control. The Spirit of Christ never allows this to consummate, of course, because it’d be wholly inconsistent with the heart and will of Jesus, my Lord. My job is to serve. My recovery lies in the hope I have in His promise to work out salvation in the lives of others. I have to remember how very far He’s delivered me (if that doesn’t give me hope, nothing will). These machinations that I endure are to be expected. Knowing this helps a lot. Perspective is key.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Yes, Lord! Thank you for giving me perspective. Deliverance from this constant struggle can only be from You. I lament, but who am I, after all, but an unworthy recipient of the same grace awaiting those poor souls I’m lamenting over. My anger is pressed backwards when I recall the words you gave Paul so long ago, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me” (2 Corinthians 12:9). I want to love others the way You do, Lord, but I’m weak. I need You. I need Your guidance, Your power.

When my heart was embittered
And I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I really don’t want you to think of me as some poor, crippled soul. I have supernatural vitality that sustains me - trust me. I’m doing fine and concede to God that I will be until the day I die. This blog is to share just a little of my heart, a heart that was changed the day the Lord saved me. I just want to let some of you know, whoever you are, that if your heart breaks, you are not alone. You’re not the only one who is seeing things through a lens that exposes your soul to the ugly barbs of sin in this world. The “god of this world” (2 Corinthians 4:4) has done a masterful job of sowing counterfeit righteousness even among the Christian ranks. I see it, and it hurts. Do you?

While this struggle is real, it’s only temporary. Alas, we are delivered, each one of us who shares a broken heart. There is good in this world after all, we just need to be reminded where to look for it.

O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
Love in Christ,

Ed Collins