This seems to be the go-to statement that most people offer to those who’ve recently suffered a death in the family. We say this because it’s “safe” during what is, for many of us, an uncomfortable situation. I mean, death has such a ripple effect in the lives of loved ones that any attempt to comfort the mourning seems inadequate, or even worse, contrived or lacking true empathy.
Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven.
And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.
And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.
-Job 2:11-13
Sometimes the very best thing to say is nothing. Just making your presence known to those suffering is often the best you can do for them. They will appreciate you for it. In saying nothing, you leave room for Holy Scripture to do the talking.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
-2 Corinthians 1:3-5
It may sound odd to hear a pastor admit this, but large life events, such as the death of a loved one, leave me socially awkward, especially if I suspect the dead person was an unbeliever. How do I offer comfort to someone whose spouse, parent, sibling, or child rejected Christ when I know what the Bible has to say about Hell? Death to me, coupled with the suspicion of unbelief, represents a blinding, searing, horrific reality that is hardly comforting to hear about. Yet, the person who’s standing in front of me expects that “the pastor” will have words of comfort for them. I don’t, other than “it’s still not too late for YOU!”
[It] is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment.
-Hebrews 9:27
What are we supposed to say? Are we to be brutally honest, or just keep quiet? Do we share our fears about their loved one’s eternal state? My heart resists it. Do we leverage the vulnerability of the moment, while survivors contemplate their own mortality, to share the truth, for the living person’s sake? I’m torn between the horrors of Hell and the prospect of evangelizing the mourning so they might avoid the same destiny. Do you see where my awkwardness lies? Can you relate?
Things get really awkward when a truly saddened person says, “Well, at least they are finally at peace, right?” Egad, that’s the worst! What do we say to them in that moment? We cannot lie or compromise our integrity to the truth, so I find, most often, it’s best to say nothing. Even trying to shower them with joyful thoughts may exacerbate the situation.
Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda. [In lay terms, this means it’s insensitive and agitating if we impose joy upon their time of mourning]
-Proverbs 25:20
If we are moved to share one thing, let us share Holy Scripture. Where we are inadequate as comforters, the Bible shines. Where we struggle to offer anything beyond our condolences, the Word of God is the Rock, for both survivors and us. Jesus said, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). The Truth is always the right ointment for open wounds. And if the truth somehow stings the hearer who’s already in a depressed state, then that is between them and God.
My gratitude goes out to God for keeping surviving unbelievers alive to hear the Gospel and for being patient enough with them while they tarry in their unrepentance. So, I offer survivors the likes of:
But what does it say? “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.
-Romans 10:8-10
I believe God uses death to wake people up. The solemnity of the moment makes way for Truth to strike deep into one’s heart (ala Hebrews 4:12). I believe God has decreed all things and uses mourning as a tool to accomplish His will. There’s a certain immediacy which befalls a survivor regarding their own mortality that God might use to His advantage.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
-James 4:7-10
Of course, this awkwardness of which I write about here is virtually nonexistent when we celebrate the death of a believer in Christ. Death for a believer is truly the greatest blessing of all, for they are immediately face to face with the Lord, relieved of all pain, tears, and sorrow. But I’ll leave that discourse for another day, save this brief insertion of Holy Scripture:
Now when Jesus came, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb four days. Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off, and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them concerning their brother.
So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary remained seated in the house. Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.”
Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” She said to him, “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.”
So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary remained seated in the house. Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.”
Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” She said to him, “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.”
-John 11:17-27
We may even mourn more for unbelievers than for believers we've loved here on Earth, knowing the eternal estate of unbelievers (disclaimer: no one truly knows who is saved and who is not – that’s God’s business). We may mourn in a way their survivors don’t. Let us take a bit of our own medicine here, allowing God’s Word to comfort us.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Love in Christ,
Ed Collins
