There’s an old secular saying that goes, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” In other words, the first time you caught me off-guard and unprepared, which means you took advantage of my naivete; but the second time I should’ve known better, so that’s on me.

Now, according to Holy Scripture, we ought to forgive a person always.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
- Matthew 18:21-22

I’ve written many blogs on the topic of forgiveness because it is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship. Marriage is a perfect example. Without forgiveness, marriages tank and people often get divorced (something God never desires).

Forgiveness is a good thing and therefore, not only a divine attribute, but something that saves (in both the salvific sense and the broader sense, as in it can save relationships from failing).

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
- Ephesians 4:31-32

As I’ve taught many times from the pulpit, forgiveness is more about you than your transgressor. There’s freedom in forgiveness that cannot be overlooked. An unforgiving heart is poisonous to any relationship.

But when is enough, enough? I mean, should we just sit back and allow others to abuse us on the premise that we must forgive them? May it never be! There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and remaining in a contentious relationship because you think that’s what God expects. Even Jesus advised His disciples to “shake off the dust from [their] feet” if they discerned that the people they were trying to do good by rejected them.

And wherever they do not receive you, when you leave that town shake off the dust from your feet as a testimony against them.”
- Luke 9:5

Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes, whether it’s physical, emotional, or spiritual. We are not called to endure abuse indefinitely. In fact, God will always provide some way of escape, so we don’t utterly fail and become sinners ourselves.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
- 1 Corinthians 10:13

If you stay in an abusive relationship beyond the point of being able to endure it, you will ultimately begin failing yourself. Everyone has limits. Even Jesus would leave certain situations to get away from His abusers. When you reach your limit, it’s time to separate. This doesn’t mean you ever stop forgiving a serial transgressor; it just means you have God’s blessing to separate.

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.
- Ephesians 5:11

The point I’m making here is that you should never allow another person, especially a manipulative unbeliever, to control you (binding you to an abusive relationship) on the premise that Christians are commanded to forgive others. That’s a perversion I’ve seen played out and it gets very ugly. Forgiveness is not a whip for others to manipulate you with.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”
- 2 Corinthians 6:14-18

It’s a good and healthy thing to draw the line between forgiveness and abuse. While we are commanded to forgive others of all sins against us, we are not commanded to remain in abusive relationships. To the extent that forgiveness allows us to stay, for the sake of the other person, then we ought to. Maybe through our patience and apparent love for them the other person will repent and clean up their act. However, if all else fails, then do as God allows you to – separate.

Separation may feel like you’re failing somehow. But that’s what a manipulator wants you to think. Remember, you’re not the bad actor in this scenario. God has given you forgiveness to protect your own soul while giving others the time and space to repent and recover. God has also given you the right to separate. It may be a last resort, but it is there to keep from having two people instead of one abiding in a persistent state of sin.

Love in Christ,

Ed Collins