Forgiving Our Parents

With power comes responsibility.

We are introduced to this reality as children. We are born powerless, unable to even feed ourselves, never mind fend for and protect ourselves. We are, in the most vulnerable of ways, at the mercy of our parents. We are their responsibility from the start.

God bestows a lot of responsibility on our parents. Some of us are blessed with godly parents who, for the most part, have done their job, biblically speaking.




Our experiences as children run the gamut of possibilities, from being wonderfully blessed with parents who glorify God to being abandoned physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Others of us never come to know our biological parents, resulting in being afflicted with doubts about our worthiness of being loved (“Why did my parents leave me?”).

This blog isn’t about parents, though; it’s about children. While we aren’t all parents, we are all children, which means everyone reading this blog can relate, at least to some degree.

Many of us struggle with feelings of animosity towards our parents and we struggle in our relationship with them as a result. We know our parents have failed in their responsibilities to God (all parents have), but it takes a certain level of maturity to begin empathizing with them. In some ways, the more we understand about ourselves, the more we understand our parents. We learn that our parents failed us because they are sinners, just like us (For perspective’s sake, how many times have we failed them???).


It’s true, God gave our parents a lot of responsibility. The Bible says, “Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more” (Luke 12:48b). Does that mean we ought to expect sinless perfection from them? Do we even hold ourselves to this same level of scrutiny? What’s the bigger sin, your parents’ failure, or your unwillingness to forgive them? Which depends upon you?



Since it is God’s will that we forgive, it is commanded in Holy Scripture; therefore, unforgiveness is a sin that is like a cancer in our relationships.


I’m not trying to simply point out that we are sinners, in general (we know we’re sinners). What I’m trying to do is draw your attention to a very common sin, specific to children.

Unforgiveness is debilitating, haunting, even. Its effects are multiplied when it concerns our parents. My goal is that you be set free.

Your parents aren’t reading this blog (most likely, although many could use the blessing, I’m sure) – you are! This blog is about you, the abused, neglected, uncared-for, sinned-against child. This blog is for everyone who’s ever had feelings of animosity towards their parents, ones they might even argue are justified. For as long as a child harbors animosity towards their parents, they are in bondage (not to mention they are blowing the potential opportunity to enjoy one of the greatest loves they’ll ever know here on Earth). Food for thought: a terrible byproduct of our unforgiveness is that our relationship with our parents suffers for as long as we persist in our violence towards them.

Now I get to the crux of this blog…please concentrate…

The human flesh lies. It is especially good at lying to us, as in ‘we lie to ourselves’. It is dishonest, manipulative, and cowardly. It tempts us to blame others for our own sins.

Sinful children regularly blame their parents for their own sins. Nothing could be further from the truth than to suggest someone else is responsible for our own sinning. Children sin because they are sinners who choose to sin. Until a child stops blaming their parents, they will never be delivered from their own sin because they will never take full responsibility for themselves.
One of the greatest blessings in our relationship with our parents is to truly understand that they, too, are sinners (they are human, after all). We see their mistakes and, while we calculate the adverse effects their failures had on our lives, we are able to isolate the sin, itself, and forgive them for it. In other words, we are able to deconstruct why they did the things they did, when they did them (or still do, for that matter). This wisdom may not quell the indignation we have towards their sin, but it can get us to a place of peace, for our own sake by freeing us from the plague of bitterness.

When we forgive our parents, our flesh loses its control over us. Taking responsibility for our own misery transfers blame from our parents to ourselves. This is freedom.

Misappropriated blame (“Oh, I’m promiscuous, tyrannical, abusive, or addicted, etc.…because I have mommy or daddy issues”) is now explicitly unjustified because we, in that moment of enlightenment, are held by God to the higher standard of forgiveness.

If we’re going to go all-in on the ‘to whom much is given much is required’ train (ala Luke 12:48), then we have to apply it to ourselves, with the utmost integrity and humility. Our flesh loves to point fingers, but, as the old saying goes, ‘When you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing right back at you!’ Well, if you have been given divine insight into your parents’ sins, doesn’t that make you responsible to forgive said sins, even if they still don’t see them? Indeed. Otherwise, you are sinning.


God holds us responsible for letting go of any blame we’ve clung to towards our parents, especially after we’ve been given divine perspective on the issue. In fact, any animosity that remains becomes our own judgment and the righteous cause of any further suffering we might endure. If when commanded to forgive, we refuse, we suffer sin’s consequences (we “grieve the Spirit” – Ephesians 4:30).

Blaming one’s parents for ongoing sins is a device commonly used by arrogant people unwilling to forgive in a way they fully expect, and certainly desire, to be forgiven by others. It’s a fleshly habit that enables them to wallow in dysfunction while they make excuses out of blame. It’s an attempt to maintain fleshly control. In the end, it’s a prison sentence, filled with a life of misery and suffering.


Whenever we blame others for our sin, particularly our parents, we are essentially revealing our own weaknesses. Whatever blame exists at the end of our pointing finger has now turned towards ourselves in full force, as an indictment on ourselves.

If we’re still suffering long after we understand the original, fleshly cause of our parents’ failures, we are the only ones to blame! From then on out, we reap what we sow.

Here are a few quotes I found on unforgiveness I thought I’d share:
This blog was posted the day after the Thanksgiving holiday in America. I love the timing of it (thanks be to the Holy Spirit) because many of us are going to spend time with our parents. Some of us will drag all of that awful baggage and blame to the dinner table. In a moment that ought to be pure celebration for all that God’s done in our lives, we may harbor animosity, which only mars God’s grace.

My friend, please know that if you’re reading this blog, it was meant for you, personally. Unforgiveness, especially towards those whom God chose as your parents, is a sin. Forgive them this day and stop blaming them for your own sinful living. Love them instead. “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses” (Proverbs 10:12). You’ll be better off, as will your own children, if you have any.


Love in Christ,

Ed Collins